Lately, I have noticed that my relationships have taken a turn. I have relationships with coworkers, friends, and family members, such as immediate family members and those outside my immediate family circle. Some of my relationships feel one-sided. I feel like I am the only one that reaches out to the person, and then there are the relationships in which I lack communication. The lack of communication can come from both sides. However, when I lack communication with someone, I feel a heavy sense of guilt, and I think, why do I feel so guilty for not communicating with someone that does not even make an effort to communicate with me?
Over the last couple of years, I have told myself to only communicate with those that make an effort or even reciprocate my efforts to communicate with them. Try not to feel bad or put me down for not communicating with others. My dad used to tell me, "it is the same amount of buttons to push on a phone to make a phone call, and it is the same distance from my door to your door as it is from your door to my door." That saying opened my eyes as a kid to help me understand that it takes the same effort on both sides of communicating. Nevertheless, why do I feel I am the only one who makes an effort in certain relationships? Why do I feel that I have to call or send a text out to people whom I have not heard from?
I understand that people have their own lives to live and do not have time to chit-chat. However, if I do not reach out to someone, does that mean I do not want to talk? No, it does not. I have decided to take time out of my day and reflect on my day, my feelings, and my thoughts, and ground myself. It is impossible to please everyone. More importantly, we must take time out of our day and do something for ourselves.
Self-care is something that I never knew anything about because I was focused on what others felt, thought, wanted, and said. Self-care was not something that I learned growing up. My life has been full of pleasing others and never myself. I still feel guilty if I do something for myself, and it is a struggle to get past the thought that I could have directed my energy to something else for someone else. My relationship with myself has been the most distant relationship I have ever experienced.
These past few months have been out of the ordinary. It has been an extraordinary few months out of the 46 years of my life. After all, I have had to take the time out of my day to find out what Tiffany likes, wants, or enjoys, which is a task because I never put the relationship with myself first.
Today, Tiffany has understood that she must put herself first. Is it easy to put yourself first after all these years of pleasing others? No, it is not easy. However, remember that the relationship with yourself is the most important relationship a person should have. After all, if you do not know what you like, want, or enjoy, nobody else will.
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